How to Cry in Public

(It's called growth!)

Monday is September 30th which is the National Day for Truth and Reconciliation here in Canada.

I have a powerful memory from my last year of public school teaching where I sat in a circle with my grade 12 English students, taking turns reading aloud the 94 Calls to Action of the Truth and Reconciliation Commission. This past week the emotional resonance of that memory hit home again when I entered a zoom room for a grad student of mine who was about to defend her master’s thesis. Wearing an orange t-shirt to signify her research into the over-suspension rates of Indigenous and Black students in Alberta, my student, a guidance counsellor for a large secondary school in Calgary, shared her findings on the power of alternative restorative justice practices. We went around the virtual room, external and internal examiners each asking questions, followed by more from her committee. Then it came around to me, her supervisor. I opened my mouth to ask a thoughtful follow up question but what came out surprised us all. Instead of asking a question I started to cry.

My tears lasted only for a moment and I did the thing that someone who cries in public generally does. I quickly apologized, did my best to collect myself and we moved on with the defense. But those tears have been sitting with me all weekend.

To be honest, my first response is to roll my eyes at myself. In fact I laughed when I called my sister to tell her what happened. I’ve always been known to be someone who has always cried easily. Albeit for very reasonable cry-worthy experiences (broken bones, friendship challenges in childhood)!

But I do have a more confusing memory of crying during my first musical solo at 12. And then many years later as a young teacher reading Jeanette Winterson’s Weight aloud to my students I remember sobbing so hard that I had to put a student in charge till I could get it together! So, in the spirit of Good Enough’s focus on learning and self-reflexivity I feel compelled to dig a little deeper and ask:

Are my supervisorial defense tears defensible?!

According to Harvard Health it would seem so. Tears are “a phenomenon unique to humans [and] a natural response to a range of emotions, from deep sadness and grief to extreme happiness and joy. But is crying good for your health? The answer appears to be yes.”

Researchers have found that:

“Crying is an important safety valve, largely because keeping difficult feelings inside — what psychologists call repressive coping — can be bad for our health. Studies have linked repressive coping with a less resilient immune system, cardiovascular disease, and hypertension, as well as with mental health conditions, including stress, anxiety, and depression. Crying has also been shown to increase attachment behavior, encouraging closeness, empathy, and support from friends and family.”

Crying on stage at 12 was nerves, that’s fair, but oh my gosh, those poor literature students! And yet, if I close my eyes I can still see some of their faces and I’m pretty sure a few of them were crying too. Was that because they were given permission to feel with the characters in that text because their teacher was? Was I inadvertently modeling something like vulnerability in that literature classroom? Was 12-year-old me, tearfully holding a microphone for the first time, practicing vulnerability for her adult self who would learn about hard core grief at 27?

I think my supervisor tears were actually ones of pride for her beautiful project. Some big feelings came up because of the web of connection linking her work with my own, recalling past years spent in a youth detention facility teaching students who did not feel the freedom to cry very often, let alone feel. Those memories bring up tears that are layered with meaning. And if I don’t reframe having big feelings as reasonable and useful how am I modeling emotional engagement with the world for my 10-year-old?

On September 30th here’s to growth and reflection. And tears. Here’s to sitting in some uncomfortable feelings about this country and maybe ourselves.

And here are some extra links to look though as we reflect on our progress in addressing the realities faced by Indigenous Peoples in Canada:

The Missing and Murdered Indigenous Women, Girls,

 and 2SLGBTQQIA+ People National Action Plan.

Sending you love and light and whole lot of big feelings!

Natalie