I Hate You (I Love You)

How to navigate the reciprocity dilemma

A quick thank you to those Good Enough readers who have ordered Finding Joy and have shared it in your circles. Every institutional library that purchases the book enables those connected to the institution to then buy it at a significant discount.

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Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

A few lessons I’ve learned since leaving the classroom:

1. Loyalty is not a guarantee.

2. Care can be extended…and even received…but is not always reciprocated.

This drawing is one of the images I downloaded and printed for my son during lockdown. So much colouring that year! If you’re not a Star Wars fan you might not know Zeb, so quick intro: He’s a good guy whose adventures play out in an animated off shoot called Rebels. We have watched ALL eleven films and the MANY adjacent animated series in our household (because they’re fun and, as I’ve written about, we have found that cartoons are great bridge builders for difficult conversations). Recently, watching The Mandalorian, we saw Zeb again. Not animated—this time in “real life.” He was a background character with five lines. That’s it. But when we saw him in that short scene we got excited because it was one of those fun TV moments of connection made between storylines.

Such moments of connection between the animated and the real also happen in places like classrooms and work cubicles. We share with each other little plot points and the odd story arc. But because fewer lines might be shared in the crossover between animation (work!) and real life, one’s backstory doesn’t usually get shared.

For the characters he draws my son loves to share with us their backstory. Though these plot lines only exist in his mind, they are real to him. My high school students used to share their very real backstories with me over a semester. I would be gifted sneak peaks into their lives, garnered through bridge building exercises I facilitated in the classroom. Over a five month period there would be a reciprocal give and take. “Organic” exchanges took concerted effort on my part as a teacher. (You can’t look like you’re trying too hard with a 17-year-old!). They took time.

Time constraints are real barriers to relational bridge building out here in the world of adult education and creative work. And the effects of those limitations show up in lots of ways. The effort to adult our way through life is made especially challenging as we navigate the “I love you, I hate you” limits of human connection. The “I want to work with you but not that way.” Or “Pitch me ALL the ideas…except the ones I reject.” Or “Teach me all the things I’ve paid for…but only in the love language I can receive!”

Thus, reality check: Loyalty is not a given and reciprocity of care is never guaranteed—even when said care has been extended and received. At work. At play. With colleagues, aquaintances and even with friends. So what is the way forward? I ask for myself and for anyone reading and nodding in agreement. One answer might be to hang out with more (inherently generous) teenagers. Or watch more kids television.

But another option is to add to my list. Yes, #1 and #2 can feel all too real but so is #3: Empathy for others must be baked into effective self-care. Said another way, I don’t know everyone’s backstory. I can’t! But there’s freedom in that truth. It means when the bottom drops out from the reciprocal caregiving bucket it’s not because I’m failing or limited (in my abilities to write, to teach, to build partnerships). It might, in fact, mean that someone else’s painful backstory is not being revealed to me. But it’s still very much there, weighing them down, impacting the response (or lack thereof) that I’ve received. I don’t need to carry it but I can feel something for them even as I wrestle with my own very real hurt feelings.

As my eight-year-old often says after playground drama has ensued: “He’s probably had a hard go.” Then he moves on and goes back to his drawing. The development of his own backstory. A child dedicated to his craft.

#adultgoals