On Asking For Help
(And why I’m working on it!)
Today, after I spent a too-long stint on the internet applying for a Toronto film permit, my husband shared with me a James Cameron anecdote. Turns out the final highway scene from the original Terminator movie was filmed without a permit. Famed director Cameron and veteran producer Gale Anne Hurd convinced a police officer who confronted them that they were making a UCLA student film to avoid paying for a permit (!!!!!!). Do you know how badly I wanted to click on “student film” in the drop down menu today? I am a “student of life” producing her first short film for goodness sake!
I probably could have asked an industry colleague for guidance. But I was shy. This, I had determined, was not the moment for such an ask. Easier to just figure it out myself, because hadn’t I done something like this before?
And that right there is the rub…the not-always-obvious transferable skill building of creative work.
Asking for help when attempting new things can feel difficult for lots of reasons. What feels like a new thing in the moment might actually be familiar-ish (cue the small voice in my head saying either “You’ve got this!” in my best moments, or, depending on my level of self critique that day, “Just do it! What’s the problem here?”).
Throughout my life the language or vocabulary to explain what I’m doing and why has often shown up for me after the initial doing. It’s happened in every work environment I’ve ever spent time in. I only learned what andragogy meant when I applied for a teaching job with that term noted in the application. Yet, I’d been teaching adults for years. It wasn’t until I read the term “warm demander” in the work of Lisa Delpit in grad school that I had the language to describe to others, let alone myself, what I’d been practicing in my classroom instinctively for years.
These past experiences give credence to the “figure it out yourself” voice in my head.
But the other voice in there recognizes that asking for help is a healthy choice to make.
What might some therapist tell me about myself and my desire to figure things out solo when my own past has shown me that the learning sprung from most of my experiences wouldn’t have happened in isolation? Radical collegiality means learning from and with others. And if I’m to practice what I preach (I mean I wrote a whole book on this topic!) I should look to others to help scaffold my bridge-building towards new learning.
Here is some expert help to support your own “asks” should you be at all like me in this way:
These words from children’s author Charlie Mackesy:
What is the bravest thing you've ever said? asked the boy.
'Help,' said the horse.
'Asking for help isn't giving up,' said the horse. 'It's refusing to give up.
The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse
This Stanford Education report that says:
We underestimate just how willing people want to assist others and how positive they feel about doing so.
And this article from a UK-based ICF wellness coach who addresses the fear that so many of us feel…asking for help will result in a “no.” She talks about moving beyond that “no” in a helpful way.
So I’m taking a risk here — because a former student-turned-mentor has encouraged me to just ask:
As
and I get ready to shoot a short film about supporting women in the film industry (this weekend!), if you are able to support our work in any way I would be so grateful!Some ways to help:
I have to feed a cast and crew of upwards of 20 at the end of this week. If you are in the Toronto area and want to donate some food for this coming Thursday or Saturday (June 20 and 22nd) and/or take out containers (so I can pack people set lunches) that would be a great gift! Friday, the 21st, is taken care of thanks to my spouse who is a sushi making wizard AND a donation from Petti Fine Food in the Junction.
If you’re not in Toronto (or find giving a tangible money gift the easier ask to respond to), you can send donations to
theassistantfilm@yahoo.com
Auto deposits are turned on for e-transfers. Please note that Rebecca and I won’t make anything on this monster effort, but we need to pay all of our cast and crew who, like us, believe in the film’s message!
Finally, I ask that you please share this request for help — and help us grow our Ceres Productions instagram page. Doing anything on social media from scratch is a task with a capital T!
Thanks for reading, sharing and supporting my effort at personal growth…doing the hard thing that is asking for help!
If you need a laugh click on this thematically resonant Reframeables reel!
You’re welcome 😉
Love being on this journey with you! You’re an amazing partner and producer!!