My sister says I should stop answering the phone. That’s my first takeaway from a 48-hour set of life lessons I didn’t ask for.
I was making dinner when my bank called to tell me that my account had been compromised. Resigned to the inevitable 15 minutes I knew was coming, I threw my earphones in and worked on my meal as I answered their personal identifying banking questions. “You want my CVC number?” I asked while checking the internal temperature of my pork tenderloin. “You need my driver’s license number?” I wondered aloud, fluffing my quinoa. Retrospective red flags abound, but at that moment in time I was good and distracted. And in the end phished.
As soon as Visa fraud services clued into what was happening another call come through on my phone (as I was waiting on hold “for I.T. to figure things out” — direct scammer quote). They told me to hang up…and it’s been a whirlwind ever since. I spent 45 minutes on the phone giving my life away to a liar, and it’s now been more than 72 hours of trying to get it back. The social engineering was on point. He used a spoof number to imitate a reputable institution. He called around dinner time. He created in me a sense of panic about lost funds. It was the perfect recipe to catch me off guard and take me down.
As I have analyzed the whole experience, trying to reframe what was learned so that I can make some part of it useful to me, I have had to sit in some uncomfortable feelings. I hate that the phishing happened. I’m frustrated by the hours I have spent on hold trying to get my life back in order (with banks, with government organizations, with insurance companies). But three days out from this incident I can see that there was more to this story for me. Emotionally.
The aftermath of this experience is that I feel triggered by the scammer’s lies. It’s a good thing to have learned new forms of digital hygiene (let calls go to voicemail, never give out private information like your driver’s license number). But the reflexive learning that is still happening — that I’m navigating even as I write this piece — is triggering. I’m sitting in the aftermath of a situation that has spirited me right back to five years of an emotionally abusive relationship where I was lied to at every turn. Lies upon lies. Me always trying to find hope but still living in the midst of someone else’s tangled web.
Triggers, according to Psych Central, “are sensory reminders that cause painful memories or certain symptoms to resurface.” That scammer doesn’t know (or care) that he triggered these memories in me, but here I am, left with this mess that I need to clean up. Searching for lessons learned as I strive to make meaning of a recent moment and past emotional state that I thought I had long left behind.
So here’s what I’m trying in response:
I’m striving for perspective. I’m trying to take a birds-eye view of the situation by recognizing where these intense feelings are coming from.
I’m reminding myself that I’m safe. A mantra I’m borrowing from Psych Central: “This is not then.”
I’m working to practice self-compassion. My husband said to me, “Nat, you’re the victim here. You need to remember that.” So I’m trying to show compassion for myself just as I would a friend.
I hope you never have to go through this. I hope that your learnings this week are more gentle and balanced. But if you’ve also had to navigate some “teachable moments” (as we say in education) this past week I hope you know that you aren’t alone. Triggers be damned!
You handled this mightily!